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Just A Cornerstone From My World....a glimpse of who I am today and what I am becoming for tomorrow.... February 06 Once again, more change....It’s been such a long time since I have written and so many changes have occurred. Since starting school, my life has been really busy and my spare time has been schoolwork as I am working really hard to keep a close 4.0. Anyway, time has been the issue, it just doesn’t seem there are enough hours in any given day to get what I want accomplished. Then a couple of weeks ago I found that my job that I have had for the last two and half years of my life was going to be eliminated. So this past week was my first week off of work. It’s tough as the job market is very bleak and I am single with a mortgage and other debt as well; although I have responsibilities I am not the only one that is in this exact same place and I feel some are in worse situations than me. I cannot change that I was laid off nor can I just make a job happen but I can hang onto the hope that there is something much better out there as well as keep my faith that God truly has a plan for me. I haven’t lost sight of what has always remained my guide to this crazy path of life I am on, I just know that what I am going through will only make me stronger. November 25 Why I Give Thanks....I think sometimes in life things seem really easy and other times life just seems to continually challenge us. Many years ago I thought I knew exactly what I wanted out of life, now it seems to change daily. The only constant that I do know is the fact that I lost something so great yet that greatness gave me my life back. It gave me back my identity and has lead me to a whole new discovery of myself. Some of the things have been scary; some have been great and some of those discoveries have changed the way I will think and will be for the rest of my life.
I got divorced two years ago and it was final right around this time. At the time I was a mess, I wasn’t sure which way was left, right, up or down. My greatest loss was my mantra, it wasn’t my marriage I lost but something even greater, something I wouldn’t wish upon my worst enemy, yet that loss has given me strength, great hope and has made my faith so much stronger. That loss in a sense saved me.
Shortly after my separation, I had gone to the doctor for a routine physical or at least that was what I had thought. On a whim just before it was done I had my physician take a look at a mole on my stomach. It had been with me for a few years and to be quite honest I’m not even really sure when it showed up and I definitely am not sure why I had this urge to ask the doctor about it. She recommended that I have it checked out by a specialist.
So, a couple of weeks later my mom and I headed to this specialist and I was in for a rude awakening, when we came upon the building I noticed that the signs said dermatology and oncology. Somehow, I had this crazy sensation my life was really about to change. A week later after my first biopsy I had to go back in a few more days for a second biopsy in the same place because what they found was basal cell carcinoma. I had and still have the early stages of skin cancer, I technically don’t have cancer, but I definitely have suspicious cells that could quite easily turn to cancer.
My life was turned upside down and virtually it has been changed forever. Every six months I go in for a checkup, which includes having biopsies done and stitches. So far I haven’t had to have any second biopsies on any of the moles that have been removed but 6 of the 7 have come back as basal cell carcinoma. If you know me, you would know I really don’t like blood and gore, but somehow I have gotten the strength as this really doesn’t bother me anymore. The worst is when the anesthetic to numb the area is administered; it is the most painful part of it all. The worst to look at is the bruising afterwards because I have discovered I bruise very easily and so the wounds look extremely ugly. On a positive I have gotten really good at removing stitches myself, the biggest thing is to disinfect everything at least twice just because and having a mirror handy to watch what you are doing when the stitches are in odd places.
I’ve learned a ton about pre-skin cancer and the word cancer has changed my life forever; it has changed my family and my everyday life. I used to not really think about getting a little pink when I was out in the sun because “nothing” would happen to me. I now use a high SPF sun block, tanning beds are no longer a part of my vocabulary, I wear a hat when I am out fishing which I really don’t like them but my dad says I look really cute when I wear one and white is the new tan in my life.
At first, when I saw the scars I cried because my beautiful, soft, skin had bumpy marks that are really shiny here and there. I let them intimidate me to think I wasn’t beautiful anymore and I really didn’t want to think about dating as who could possibly stand to look at these scars that are intermittently placed on my body. This biggest thing is that I couldn’t believe I had to deal with this for the rest of my life. Then one day, I realized just how fortunate I was and how much I had to offer this crazy world. I realized that yes, I might look like Swiss cheese someday but my life definitely wasn’t over. I remembered the loss I experienced when I was married and I remember I was not defeated because of that loss. That little one that I lost was what gave me my life back and I owed that child so much. I couldn’t let my little angel down nor could I let some basal cells take control of what I had worked so hard to regain back. I discovered and gained a new sense of hope and I definitely found some inner strength that I didn’t know existed within me. I didn’t wonder why this happened to me but instead I asked why not? So, I have scars but I consider them to be trophies that show my triumphs that I don’t have cancer; I only have basal cells.
Today in the mail I received my reminder notice for me to schedule my appointment for January. I get a twinge in my stomach and I think gosh it wasn’t that long ago I was pulling out the stitches all on my own. Believe me it scares the hell out of me that when I go in for my check up that she will do a biopsy on the wrong mole, but I trust her and I also know she is one of the best in the state. I’m fortunate to have had her be the doctor that was recommended to me. Cancer is a word that I wish no one ever would have to have entered into their vocabulary.
But, today, as we are approaching another Thanksgiving, I give thanks for the life I have been given. The second chance I have to find myself and the beautiful life I have created for myself. I am thankful for all my friends that support me and help me when I really am having one of those "bad" moments. I am thankful for my family if I didn't have them I wouldn't be here right now. I thank God, that I have every moment that I do with my family and my sweet baby niece, Emma. I am thankful that I get to see my brother be the wonderful dad that he is and he inspires me to be better. I am grateful for the all that I have accomplished and whatever else is yet to come. I give thanks to those that are in the military and away from their families and I pray for their safe return home very soon. I am thankful for being able to see and realize it is the small stuff that's important not so much the big stuff. Mostly, I wish for everyone that reads this to take a moment, be thankful for all of the wonderful things that you have……because tomorrow isn’t promised to any of us and yesterday is the past, tomorrow is the future but right now is our present.
God Bless and have a Blessed Thanksgiving! November 01 Fears.....Have you ever wanted something so badly that you almost can taste it? I have this “thing” that I want so badly, more than anything than I have wanted in a really long time. It has nothing to do with a person, except for me being who it involves. You see, I’ve been trying to better myself, since I have bought my town home I’ve struggled; it’s been a huge financial responsibility. So far I’ve been okay, it seems whenever I don’t think I am going to have enough money or I’m wondering how I’m going to get to the next month with paying everything on time, I have somehow and the money has just shown up or I’ve had overtime at work to suffice. Well, things have changed at work; we laid 5 people off on Friday, so I’m nervous, there is no overtime and hasn’t been for awhile. My parents have offered to help me out but I made this choice so I have to figure it out on my own. I’ve applied at quite a few places for waitressing but I haven’t waitressed since I was 15, so the experience I have just isn’t enough. I’ve been leery of applying for other jobs because with the economy everything is so unstable; one day you have a job the next you have nothing. So, I’ve been applying but I’ve researched the places I’ve applied and I have only applied at places that are prospering and are things that I think are our future. Well, I have an interview this week for a job that I actually did only at a different place. I would be making quite a bit more than what I am right now and things would be back to okay for me financially as long as I was really careful on how I spent. It’s a place that I know will never go out of business and I also think things would be pretty secure. There were over 100 applicants so I feel very blessed that I even got an interview. The thing is where I have to drive to would be out of my comfort zone. I have this fear of driving in traffic and not knowing how to get back to where I belong. I am very afraid of being lost. So, this will be an experience for me. I know that everyone has a fear and mine is crazy at least to me it seems so crazy, yet it’s very real. I have another fear actually, I’ve pretty much conquered that fear, I was afraid of the dark. Now, that I live alone I definitely have had to deal with the fear, I used to get really paranoid that something was out there, lurking waiting to scare the gajeebers out of me. I’ve learned that the odd noises I hear are just creaks of my town home and the strange shadows at my bedroom windows that are on the second level are the trees blowing in the background of where I live. I’m not really afraid anymore, maybe a little but not like I used to be. Tomorrow I am doing a test run of where I have the interview at. I’m driving there after church so I can get the feel and get comfortable with the drive. I know it probably sounds bizarre, but I have to do this. It’s odd, I can drive to Duluth of course not through Minneapolis and St. Paul but anywhere off my normal two highways that I am comfortable driving on in the Cities, freaks me out. So tomorrow I am doing a test run. I look at the words I have just written and it seems so small what scares me because last week I spoke to over 1,000 people, I wasn’t a bit scared, I was excited and exhilarated when I was up front talking about my soul revolution with the people I go to church with; I didn’t have any fear except of tripping. Lately, I have been relying on God’s great strength to get me through my trials and tribulations. I know that at times for all of us things look so bleak and dark; believe me I have had my days too. I keep thinking how can I keep my head above water, how am I going to survive another day, how am I going to walk one more step…yet somehow, I get my strength because I have my faith in God and I believe that He is with me every step of the way. He shines light when I can only see darkness, He lifts me when I barely can move my feet, and He amazes me with the small graces that cross my path each and every day. I feel so blessed for what I do have and so fortunate that I have as much as I do. So I know that He will be there with me guiding me as I drive to my destination and back to my home tomorrow, I know that He will give me just what I need to calm me and dissipate my fear from within; and after I am done driving I will feel empowered because I did this and I will feel exhilarated because I did succeed all with God sitting in my passenger side letting me know that I will be okay and do just fine every last mile until I am safely home! October 22 Unexpectedness things happen but just at the right moment......Lately my life has been really busy. There has been the normal of work and school and of course dating here and there, then there’s been the church I have been going to for the last couple of months. Every time I go I come away wanting more. This church amazes me, people are so non judgmental and I thoroughly enjoy going and am disappointed when the service ends. Last Sunday, I sat where I normally do and this couple sat down beside me, after the service they were asking me how long I had been going and we started chatting. Somehow we got on the topic that I am going to college as well as working; I also shared a few tidbits of my past. Then the pastor came over and somehow the man that was part of the couple told the pastor of some of the things I have gone through. Well one thing lead to another and he asked if I would ever be interested in sharing my Faith Story, I said I would. So I get an email from the assistant pastor and this Sunday I am sharing my Faith Story with all three services! Crazy! October 19 Angel Baby....
My Dearest Angel Baby, Six years ago you changed my life, you made me realize life wasn’t just about me and there was something more important that I was meant to do. I know I only knew you for a few short weeks, but I want you to know that those weeks I remember as though it was just yesterday. I still imagine what it was like to have you grow in my tummy. You see Angel Baby, I loved you more than anything and I miss you more than you will ever know. At times it seems like I just imagined you and other times I know that I knew you and you knew me, your mommy. I loved you then and I still love you. I still think of you and I still wonder what you would be like. You would be six this year, how did those years slip by? It seems like it was only yesterday when I was first introduced to you. I remember the moment that I found out I was pregnant with you and how elated I felt, there are no words to accurately describe just how happy the thought of you made me. I had all of these hopes and dreams for you, I never imagined that I would be here and you wouldn’t be right next to me holding my hand. This year I am at peace, don’t get me wrong Angel Baby I miss you more than I can even begin to tell you, but I also know that I am okay without you. I miss you tremendously but I see you in my dreams and that makes me smile! Even though you never knew this earth you knew me, you knew I’d keep you safe just as you kept me safe. You saved my life Angel Baby. At times I struggle wondering how I am ever going to make it until tomorrow and I get lonely for you. I know the other night I had a conversation with you and this childlike voice told me what I needed to do; I believe that you are here with me guiding me, leading me and bringing me the peace that I have needed for the serenity I have been searching for. I love you my darling Angel Baby and I feel blessed to have felt you and to know what it was like to love something more than any words can describe. I love you and happy birthday Angel Baby……
Love,
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